Chapter 1 -- Mother's Day

Mother’s Day
May 12
I’m filled with so many thoughts:


Regret. I regret that I never got to experience being pregnant, the changes in my body, the connection with the child growing inside.


Joy. By this time next year it’s likely we’ll be parents. Wow.


Fear. There’s so much we don’t know, so much that will be out of our control. I have no idea what to expect.

May 14
Now that we’ve decided to do this, now that we’ve said it out loud, I can’t stop thinking about it.

I must admit, I’m scared. It seems somewhat odd – like going to Kmart to shop for a child.

May 18
I always heard that when a woman gets pregnant her first instinct is to nest, to prepare the home for the coming child.

I always assumed it was something to do with hormones.

I guess not.

All I want to do is clean, throw away junk we’ve accumulated to make room for all the kid junk we’ll soon have.

I imagine we’ll go through many of the same emotions as a pregnant couple. Only it will be somewhat different because we can’t see, touch, watch the baby grow.

But now that we’ve started this, there’s a good chance that somewhere out there – maybe in urban Moscow, or in frozen Siberia, or in the lands bordering Asia – there’s a child who will one day be our baby.

Our baby. What an interesting phrase. Not ours in the sense of ownership. Not even ours in the sense of genetics. But yet ours. Our baby.

June 4
I know we surprised people with the announcement. But I had no idea that some people didn’t believe us.

I was driving through the neighborhood when I saw a friend was having a yard sale. Pulled in figuring I’d stop by and chat for a few, maybe buy some lemonade from the kids’ lemonade stand. It wasn’t until the car was stopped and it was too late for me to continue on that I realized she was selling all her baby stuff. Clothes, a bassinet (OK, our child will likely be too old for a bassinet), a pack ‘n play. She didn’t even call to at least give us first crack at buying any of the items.

She called the next day and it only got worse.

“I’m sorry about the baby stuff (long pause). I just didn’t realize.”

“Didn’t realize? Or didn’t believe us?”

June 10
First home study meeting today. Now the real work begins. They’re sending us a packet of paperwork to start collecting, signing. I am anxious to get it started.

July 1
Had our second home study meeting today. Our social worker Diane came out to the house to make sure it’s fit for children. Showed her the kids’-room-to-be. Pointed out the smoke alarms, the fire extinguishers, the little spools used to tie up the blind chords so that children can’t hang themselves on them.

This was the meeting where Diane had to talk with us individually. I guess they separate you to make sure you say the same things, kind of like they always do on police shows, separating suspects to check their stories.

She talked to me for less than 15 minutes.

She talked to Mike for almost an hour.

July 2
Tomorrow we should make great strides in our paperwork – we’re getting seven documents notarized. Then we start collecting the next batch.

I have to admit, I’m a little nervous about the physical. I mean, you always hear stories about incredibly healthy people (like Magic Johnson) who go in for a routine physical only to find out they are dying.

I am healthy, I think. I don’t have any symptoms of anything. I eat well (although I probably don’t sleep quite enough). While I’d love to lose a few more pounds, my weight is healthy. I workout. I’m rarely sick. I’m a vegetarian, so my cholesterol should be OK. I know all that, and yet I still worry a little about what could be lurking unseen.

July 29
Completed the home study. Diane is going to recommend we be approved. I figured she would. But it’s still a relief to be done.

Now we just wait. Wait for Diane to file the draft with the agency we hired to handle the placement. Wait for the agency to call with a referral.

August 14
Draft filed five days ago, and we’re still waiting for a referral.

We’ve decided we definitely want twins. Heather with our agency tried to discourage us, said twins are rare. But I know that one out of every 88 births in Russia is twins. I looked it up on the Internet. So it’s not that rare.

I just don’t know what to think. One minute I’m excited to know that we could get a call any minute. But I’m also trying not to get my hopes up. And that leaves me terribly conflicted. I’m excited. I’m afraid to be excited. I’m afraid.

I’m not looking forward to going through this for the next four, five, six, nine months.